she looked like the bat from fern gully.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
