I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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