I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's rum buckets o'clock
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
