I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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