I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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