i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
