WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
