dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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