i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
