Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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