Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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