Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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