we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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