I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
