That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize