Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
