So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
