Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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