Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
