I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
