i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
