I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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