Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
