DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
