The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to calm my uterus...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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