So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
