I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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