The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he fucked my hip out of place.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
