I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize