sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
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