They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
