Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
