So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
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