I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
