With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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