Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
