i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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