If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
