I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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