I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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