don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
