I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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