So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
