I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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