I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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