i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
