I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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