You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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