I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
