I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
