i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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