He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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