she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize