I'm so fucking centered right now
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
