I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
