Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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