Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
