I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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