Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
