I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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