My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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