Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
