3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
